Digging In

     As mentioned in my first post, I have      experienced what I call a Quarter Life Crisis. What I didn’t mention in my first post is that I also experienced a Quarter Life Crisis 2.0 (Yes, that’s allowed). While I don’t fondly look back at these times, I am definitely someone who believes all of my experiences are worth it and I try to use them as educational tools. I’m slowly learning a lot about my anxiety and how it has shaped my life. Sometimes I think, “Wow! I wasn’t weird! I just had anxiety and didn’t know how to handle that sh*t!” Those thoughts are always comforting.
So how did I get here? I’ve been asking myself this question A LOT as of late. The answer is “I don’t f#$%ing know.” But that can’t be true, I do know. I know that I am currently in a position I don’t want to be in. I am going back to graduate school for criminal justice which is very exciting, but in my young life (I’m 26) I have held many different jobs. I fancy myself the female Dos Equis man in that aspect, or Barbie- she’s held a lot of “jobs” in Barbieland. I’ve been a dishwasher, a park ranger, an admissions counselor, a tour guide, etc… I’d like to think that these jobs serve as good conversation starters at parties like, “Oh you were a park ranger? What did you do? That sounds impressive.” To which I respond, “Well, I picked up dog crap, litter picked, cleaned bathrooms where people wiped shit on the walls and had explosive diarrhea (a phenomenon I still don’t grasp).” I always go for the laughs…
Anyway, I had my first quarter life crisis back when I graduated from college and I took on my first full-time job as a Purchaser at a big company. My boss and co-workers were perhaps the friendliest people I’ve ever worked with but I found the job so stressful that after about two months I quit. I was super embarrassed too because my whole life I was taught to be a hard worker and I could not wait to graduate and get in the working world. I took this hit as a lesson on sticking to what I’m good at- working with people. So obviously I didn’t find a full-time job right away (nope- sure didn’t). I found a part-time (worked full-time but called it “part-time”) job working as a tour guide/public outreach specialist in Newport, Rhode Island. This lasted me a while as I tried to get a full-time job working as an Admissions Counselor for a University in Massachusetts. My plans worked though, because I did get the counseling job and I was so happy!
This brings me to quarter life crisis 2.0. I bet you thought after reading that first paragraph, “wow, that’s great!” hahaha Sorry. So I started working at the University and less than a year later I found myself thinking that this job wasn’t for me and I had no idea what I wanted to do. I wasn’t in a good place professionally and I needed to make a change, so I did. And now, here I am. Much like a hamster on its wheel, I kept making the same mistakes and getting the same results. So now I am trying very hard to do something different. I’m trying to be patient and bide my time until I can finish school and get a job doing what I really want to. It seems simple but I struggle with this every day.
I’m thankful that I have a good personal life and that I have a very supportive husband. Unfortunately, I struggle with finding a good professional balance. If I’m bothered by something at work, I take it home and I let it eat at me. I’m sick of this lifestyle that I’ve created for myself over the past few years. I need to make a change and slowly I’m beginning to. I do not expect anyone to read this blog or even read this post in its entirety but for me it is cathartic. I need to write down these stories and try to really figure out what I’ve done and what I need to do to become happier and less anxious. So if you read this post, thank you and high five!

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